When Conflict Happens: Finding Our Way Back to Connection

Conflict in close relationships can feel disorienting.

One moment, things seem fine. The next, you find yourself caught in tension, hurt, or silence. Words are misunderstood. Feelings are bruised. You wonder how it got so hard — and why it keeps happening.

If you’ve felt this way, please know: you’re not alone. Conflict is not a sign that something is broken. It’s often a quiet signal that something important is unspoken… or unmet… or longing to be understood.

Over the years, I’ve come to see that the root of many relational struggles often lies in two very human patterns:

• Unmet expectations

• Too few deposits into the other person’s emotional bank account
  (a wise concept from Stephen Covey)

Let’s explore these patterns — and consider how we might find our way back to one another when conflict arises.

When Expectations Go Unspoken

In every relationship, we carry expectations — many of them so quiet, we don’t even realize they’re there.

We hope to be understood without having to explain.
We wish the other person would respond a certain way.
We assume they “should just know.”

But life doesn’t always unfold that neatly. And when those expectations go unmet, especially when they haven’t been clearly spoken, we feel hurt, disappointed, or even rejected. It’s a deeply human reaction.

Often, the real issue isn’t what did or didn’t happen — it’s the invisible gap between what we hoped for and what we experienced.

Conflict, then, becomes a signal — not of failure, but of longing.

The Power of Emotional Deposits

Stephen Covey spoke of the emotional bank account — a powerful metaphor for the health of any relationship.

Each kind word, act of care, or moment of true listening is like a deposit into that account. And each time we dismiss, criticize, or overlook each other, we make a withdrawal.

In the beginning of a relationship, deposits happen often — laughter, curiosity, kindness. But over time, as life gets busy or stress creeps in, we sometimes forget to keep investing in one another.

And when the emotional account runs low, even small tensions can feel overwhelming.

But the good news is: it’s never too late to start making deposits again.

A small gesture. A soft word. A genuine “I’m here.”
It all counts. And it all helps rebuild trust.

Emotions Always Come First

Someone once said: “When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.”

This has stayed with me.

In moments of conflict, we may appear angry or cold — but underneath, there’s usually something more tender:

• A fear of not being heard

• A need to feel valued

• A wound from long ago that got brushed open
  
  

That’s why learning to understand our own emotional world is so important. This is where emotional intelligence (EQ) plays a healing role.

What Emotional Intelligence Teaches Us

EQ is the ability to notice what we’re feeling…
pause when needed…
express ourselves kindly…
and offer understanding when someone else is hurting.

It helps us stay present instead of reactive.
Curious instead of defensive.
Open instead of shut down.

No one gets this perfect. But even a small step toward self-awareness can change the tone of a conversation — and open the door to healing.

Listening: The Turning Point

There’s a beautiful principle I learned from Stephen Covey:

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

In conflict, this changes everything.

Most of us want to explain, defend, or justify. We want to be heard. But when we lead with that, the other person may feel dismissed or unseen.

Listening — truly listening — creates space.

It says: “I care enough to hear your world, even if I don’t fully agree.”

This kind of listening isn’t passive. It’s an act of love.

And it’s one of the most healing things we can offer each other.

The Power of Willingness

Here’s something I’ve come to believe with all my heart:

No tool, no strategy, no insight works… without willingness.

Willingness to pause.
Willingness to soften.
Willingness to try again, even when it’s hard.

It doesn’t mean you have to get everything right.

It just means you’re open — to learning, to growing, to reconnecting.

That willingness is a quiet strength.

And it can turn a moment of distance into an opportunity for deeper connection.

In Closing

Conflict is never easy. But it’s not the enemy.

It’s often a sign that something matters deeply — and that we care enough to want to feel closer, safer, and more understood.

When we begin to:

• Speak our expectations with kindness

• Make regular deposits of love and care

• Stay curious about our own emotions

• Listen with the intent to truly understand…

Then conflict becomes less about winning or losing — and more about growing together.

You don’t have to do it perfectly. You just need to begin with this question:

“Am I willing to shift — even just a little?”

That small shift…
That soft breath…
That one moment of trying again…

It may be all you need to begin healing what hurts — and to rediscover the connection that was there all along.

My Invitation to You

If something in this message resonated with you — even just a little — I invite you to pause and take one small step today.

Maybe it’s a quiet moment of self-reflection.

Maybe it’s reaching out to someone with a kind word.

Maybe it’s simply being willing to see things from a new angle.

You don’t have to have all the answers.

You just have to be open to the next small shift.

If you'd like to explore this path further — or simply share what’s on your heart — I’d love to hear from you.

You can reach me via the Contact form or email me at info@selfcoachingzone.com. I read and respond to every message personally.

May your journey toward connection be gentle and true.

Remember, you’re not alone. Healing is possible. And you’re already on your way!

With care,

Maartin